Doubt Thou the Stars Are Fire
by EveryDayArtist
Summary: Even after twenty years, how can you talk about something that changed you so irrevocably? *Title from Hamlet*
1. Chapter 1

**_"Why do you invite death?" _**

**_"I'm not. I'm interested in_**** justice****_." _**

**_"Are you? Are you sure it's not vengeance?" _**

**_"No I'm_**** not****_ sure, I wish I _****was****_. I've done things I've never done before-I've placed my command in jeopardy… From here on out I've got to determine if Karidian _****is****_ Kodos."_**

**_"He is." _**

**_"You sound certain, I wish I could be. Before I accuse a man of that, I've_**** got****_ to be. I saw him once twenty years ago. Men change, memory changes,-look at him now he's an actor. To change his appearance… No, logic isn't enough. I have to feel my way-be _****absolutely****_ sure."_**

**_"What if you decide he really is Kodos, what _****then****_? Do you play God, carry his head around the corridors in triumph? That won't bring back the dead Jim."_**

**_"No…but they might rest easier."_**

There was a silence as the three friends stared at one-another. Finally McCoy broke through the tension.

"Are you sure it's the dead who'll rest easier?"

Jim looked away, staring at the wall. "…you have no idea…"

"No, I don't. I don't know what it was like to survive something like that. Jim…you have to let us help you."

The young man sank into a chair and rubbed at his eyes. "Bones… I can't explain how much I want to. If I thought for one moment it would help I would have told you a long time ago, security clearance or no security clearance. But nothing is going to change what happened.

"And what happened?" Spock's voice had that soft tone that he seemed to reserve solely for the two other men in the room.

"I went through hell." Jim folded his hands and stared at the floor. "And, no Spock, for once I'm not being overly emotional or over-stating something." He managed a shaky laugh. "Damn, it's been years since I've thought about this and in the last few hours alone I've…"

McCoy sat down on the desk next to him and put a hand on his shoulder; it was moments like this that the doctor hated. Jim was too confident and bright a man to be reduced to this shaken boy that looked about to crack. He kept a careful eye on his captain as the young man took a few deep breaths. "Jim… If this is too much…

"No Bones. This man, whether he is Karidian or Kodos or some other man, murdered my friend and attacked one of my crew. I am going to get him."

Spock's eyebrow rose slightly. "That remark could be considered vengeance driven, captain. I would suggest refraining from such comments."

"So you agree with Doctor McCoy that I'm being irrational and ima-"

"I agree that you are being driven by emotion-"

"Damn right I am!" If Spock was startled by the captain's abrupt transition from sitting to standing less than an inch from him he didn't show it.

"I watched children being ripped from their parents arms and my friends killed in the streets." As the captain began pacing McCoy caught sight of the slight twitch of Spock's hand, as though beginning to reach out to his distraught friend before the Vulcan regained his composure. Jim was rubbing his arms as he stared blankly ahead. "I held an eight-year-old girl in my arms as she bled to death. I tried to hide terrified kids from the men and women in their neighborhoods they once trusted. I watched my uncle give himself up as a distraction to save his family: to save me. I tried for years to scrub the feeling of blood from my hands. I. Was. _Thirteen_. Tell me, Commander, _how the hell do I not become emotional_?!"

"Jim."

The soft word cut through the young man's anger as he looked up into his First Officer's emotionless eyes in time to see the sliver of compassion before his steady voice continued. "I did not say that I believed your intentions to be unreasonable. You are motivated by your emotions; by the guilt of inaction, by your fear and sorrow, and by the compassion that makes you the exemplary officer you are. These are emotions that derive from your desire to help others and therefore I find it hard to believe that you could be motivated by personal vendetta. I trust your ability to keep your anger in check."

Jim was stunned. He looked over his shoulder at McCoy. "You're hearing this right?"

"Hell yes I am." The doctor was grinning. "That was practically a confession of love." McCoy could have continued but he was too relieved that the Vulcan had managed to break the dam that had been putting their friend on edge. Bones ignored the eyebrow being shot at him and walked forward to clap Jim on the shoulder. "I need to check on Reilly, are you alright?"

The younger man nodded and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, go on."

"I will, but the minute this is over you are coming to my room and we're talking about this. I insist."

"I understand...thank you, Bones." Jim walked him to the door and hesitated before turning to Spock and smiling nervously. "So do you really believe this man is Kodos?"

"I do."

There it was; that smile that had the potential to blind a person if they weren't careful. For the first time since the whole mess had begun, Jim looked relaxed. "And what led you to that conclusion? Gut feeling?"

"_Logic _Captain." If he wasn't Vulcan, you could have sworn he was irritated. "Doctor Leighton was murdered while the Karidian Company was on planet Q. Now an attempt has been made on lieutenant Reilly while the company is on board the enterprise."

Jim shook his head. "Bones isn't sure there was a murder attempt. Besides, I have an idea that might prove tha-"

"Shhh." Jim blinked at that. Did Spock just 'shh' him? The Vulcan was looking around the room. "Do you hear it? That low hum."

Jim stiffened. "A phaser…"

"On overload."

Business as usual.

* * *

**The bolded bit at the beginning and the last few lines are drawn directly from the episode "Conscience of the King" which is one of my favorite episodes. I just wanted to see some sort of discussion between these three and honestly could have ranted for pages and made it into an angst fest but I tried to stay in character and ended up with this. The scene break was too perfect to not insert this but if people are interested, I'll do the conversation in McCoy's room too.**

**Please leave me feedback and let me know if a second chapter here would be appreciated. **


	2. Chapter 2

_"Who are you to say what harm was done?"_

Bones shook his head as he walked down the hallway. That psychotic girl's words were banging around his head and increasing the migraine that had been hovering in the back of his thoughts since this whole disaster had begun. Clearly that child had been seriously ill in the head and under some frightening delusions. Obviously the shock of her father being in danger had been intense.

But none of that excused her words. _None_.

And if the Doctor was going to be totally honest with himself, the look on the Captain's face as Kodos had taken that hit for him was worrying. Dammit, Jim didn't need this; was bad enough that he'd been forced to relive a horror that no child should have to go through but to not even have the closure of seeing the man responsible go to prison and pay for it…

He stepped through the door of his quarters and managed to hide any surprise he felt upon seeing Jim seated on his bed and staring thoughtfully into space. Instead the doctor walked over and sat next to him, pulling the bottle off the bedside table and looking it over. "Brought out the good stuff huh?"

Jim just sat there quietly so Bones uncapped the bottle and took a swig. "How are you feeling? And it's okay if you don't know."

The young captain stirred slightly and blindly held out a hand for the bottle. "…I honestly don't feel anything…"

"You're in shock." Bones watched his commanding officer down some of the drink and resisted the urge to start hovering. He knew that'd do more harm than good. "After everything that's happened it makes sense that you'd—_dammit_, Jim." He turned the other man's face towards him and examined the slight bruising on his cheekbone. "What happened?"

"Kevin was having some trouble handling his pain." Jim chuckled. "If it helped to yell at me for stopping him from killing Kodos and to take a swing at me, well, then no real harm done." He took another drink. "He's not to get in trouble for this, understand?"

Bones nodded and accepted the drink, looking at his young friend cautiously. "Jim…"

"I _pitied _him." The captain was staring at nothing again. "For a second back there… I pitied the man who…" Jim rubbed at his eyes. "I'm a damn mess."

Bones put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly and tried to think of something to say. He was saved from that as the door to his rooms opened again and they both looked up to see Spock standing in the doorway. For a split second they thought there was a small bit of embarrassment on his face but then it was gone and the Vulcan merely folded his hands behind his back and raised an eyebrow. "I am not interrupting?"

There was only one reason for Spock to come to Bones' room; to find Jim. And since the ship was running smoothly, Lenore was in a holding cell and they were en-route to the nearest starbase, there was only one reason for him to be looking for the captain.

Bones smiled broadly and even Jim managed a little upturn of his mouth. The Vulcan pointedly ignored their smiles and instead took them as a sign that his presence was not unwelcome. "Everything is running smoothly captain."

"Thank you Mister Spock." Rubbing his face again, Jim leaned back on the bed. "I'm glad something is."

Bones wasn't sure how to answer the unspoken question on the commander's face and sighed heavily as he turned toward the captain. "Jim, maybe you should get some sleep."

"I'm too wired." Jim laughed hollowly, an arm over his eyes and blocking them from view. "You're right though. I should move on; I mean, this is just another of many incidents, right? I'll get over it."

Spock and Bones exchanged a glance. The country doctor wasn't sure if it was just the booze talking or if he should be a little concerned. "Jimmy, I want you to look at me."

There was a long moment where the two older men believed he might not react. Then, slowly, Jim sat up and shifted to face the doctor. Taking a deep breath Bones put a hand on each of his shoulders. "Jim…This is not just another incident. This is not something you should just ignore and pretend never happened. This is nothing you deserve and I swear to you, I'm not gonna let you wallow in this. I refuse to, dammit. So you are going to tell me the whole story and see me every night for the next week for some mandatory therapy sessions; you and Lieutenant Reilly both. Do not make me make it an official order."

The young captain laughed and rubbed at his face. "…I am incredibly lucky to have you looking out for me-both of you…" He lowered his head, resting it on his knees. "It's much more than I deserve."

"No." Spock stepped forward. "You deserve much more than you have ever been given."

Jim's eyes widened and Bones praised the Lord that even a Vulcan could say the right thing on occasion. The Captain sat there for a long silent moment, before scooting closer to Bones and making room for his first officer on the bed. "I was twelve when I first got to Tarsus…"

They sat there for hours, listening to the man talk and if at one point Jim had broken down and sobbed onto Bones' shoulder until he could gather himself, no one outside of that room would ever know. Finally the events of the last few days had caught up to the young captain and he drifted off into a slightly medicated slumber.

Doctor and Commander stood in the doorway, watching their friend sleep; unwilling to move him to his own quarters. Bones sighed heavily. "He's internalized all that for far too long. Damn fool…"

Spock was silent. With another heavy sigh, the doctor brushed past him. "Better go talk to Reilly."

The Vulcan waited until Bones was out of sight before re-entering the room and sitting at the man's desk. His dark eyes never left his best friend as he started his silent vigil with one soft line.

"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all."

* * *

**There you go, a second chapter. This was a little harder but I hope it was as good. The quote at the end is part of Hamlet's famous 'To Be or Not To Be' speech and sort of jumped out at me. I sincerely hope you liked this and please leave me feedback.**


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